the tacit diseuse

dreams: pools, oceans, brothers

2006-04-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

I've been having a lot of dreams lately (thank goodness, the dreams about work have stopped). Last night I dreamt that I was at a castle with my brothers (maybe my whole family). I'm not sure if we were there for a wedding. It was absolutely beautiful. It was Spanish in nature (I don't know why I say this... It was in a warm climate and desert/rustic environment - like Arizona). It had an open air plaza in the middle and as I was walking with my younger brother (who was in his teens in this dream) alongside a fence that overlooked the ocean, a huge wave made its way through and swirled in a refreshing pool at our feet. This delighted my brother and he jumped the fence into the ocean, happily urging me to join him in a swim. I leaned on the gate/fence and knew I wasn't going to jump into the expanse. Instead, I jumped into a pool in the courtyard.

What the hell?

the mattress

2006-03-14T13:09:00.000-08:00

i miss him when i'm awake in the night. going to bed when i'm not sleepy. he took all our photos. i couldn't even steal a memory. i want to scratch the bed until i i reach the foam filler and recognize his scent from long ago. i don't want to forget him. all i have is what keeps me from sleeping.

this is the end...

2005-12-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

Grief takes years to unravel (not get over) and understand.

things i miss

2005-11-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

I've been so caught up with work for the past couple of months that I realized how much I miss certain things...

1) My twin nephews.
2) Chatting with Sunny.
3) Making dinner with Craigs.
4) Going to the movies.

Hopefully, when I get this office cleaned up, organized and updated, I will be a much happier person.

nostalgia

2005-10-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

i wonder what he is like in love with someone else. does he smile differently
(or more often)? have i seen that smile before? it hurts to even imagine.

work work work

2005-10-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

October used to be my favorite month in San Francisco. Warm, sunny days. Lazy Sunday afternoons. Now I'm up to my ears in SF Open Studios! Sadly (and thankfully) there are two weekends left of this great event. Hope to jazz it up a bit next year when I have complete control over my programs.

I had a conversation with my friend the other day about being happy with our lives. We both had our share of screw ups (literally) and we were reflecting on the beginning of our 30s.

I am definitely slowing down. My body isn't as taut as it used to be (and I used to complain when I had a size 4 waist!). But I am calm. I am learning to deal with regret. Learning to accept my faults and let go painful words and actions.

I see things ahead of me. I like what I see. I am looking forward. I just don't seem to be working towards those things. I'm still trudging through the mud.

Work is my distraction and yet it's the biggest branch pulling me through. I just wonder if this is the help I need. It will be pulling me out of what I'm used to.

And yet another issue... I miss the "community." I miss the color. I miss the fight.

Trying to learn to speak again...

the city

2005-10-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

i said "i do" to san francisco almost 10 years ago.
the most honest relationship i've ever had.
here, i am everything:
depraved, deficient, and small;
kind, caring, and full.
i love this city
but sometimes
i want to leave it
for another.
it's too painful
or i don't know if i can dissipate
my heart's ache.
but then
a cool soothes the burn.
a mist touching the sunset
then weaving through the green,
through the slim crevices between
homes that stand in neat huddled rows,
rolling up hills
a floating ooze
that gives me pause
and my periphery enlarges.
a 360 view
i see my city
and the fog steals my breath
the moment i say,
love.

out of touch

2005-04-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

So it seems I'm not doing well keeping up a blog. Been thinking about several things... Just finished Hagedorn's Dream Jungle which mirrors Coppola's occupation of the Philippines during his production of Apocalypse Now. I couldn't escape her obsession with miasma/mud/muck...

Happy Day to my brother in San Diego... I'll be seeing you soon.

re-visiting the query

2005-03-24T15:57:00.000-08:00

Duh... I guess the first character that immediately comes to mind for me when someones says "crush" is always Max Sterling... no matter what media...

So my answer to that question would be: Stephen Daedulus in Portrait of an Artist the moment he sees his muse on the beach.

or...

Encyclopedia Brown, boy detective.

the montag query

2005-03-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

My friend Sunny passed along a set of questions for me to ponder this morning. Good exercise before I go through the mind numbing act of updating my company's web site.

Here goes my stab with the stick:

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
Trina Paulus' "Hope for the Flowers"

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Max Sterling "Robotech: Macross"

The last book you bought is:
"Shostakovich and His World" Laura Fay

The last book you read:
"Angels and Demons" the guy who wrote DaVinci Code

What are you currently reading?
Trying to read 3 at a time... boo...
1) "The Corrections" Jonathan Franzen
2) "Tokyo Doesn't Love Us Anymore" Ray Loriga
3) "French for Beginners" by some French lady

Five books you would take to a deserted island:
"Ulysses" James Joyce
"The Fire Next Time" James Baldwin
"60 Stories" Donald Barthelme
"Complete Poems" e.e. cummings
"Heart of Understanding" Thich Nhat Hanh

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
1) Darren, because I'm curious which fictional character he's had a crush on
2) Because we can make top ten lists up the wazoo about music, I'm curious to know what would be on Craigs' List (hehehe... craigslist) BESIDES Grid Systems in Graphic Design by Josef Muller-Brockmann
3) Chris Wong, cuz I have a feeling her fictional crushes are anime-ted too.

Sunny, I like a few spree songs, but as I found with turntablism... I just can't listen to them everyday.

Back to the grind...

emerging

2005-03-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

the polyphonic spree. i decided last night that i don't like them. something about them makes me feel angry. maybe that they attract hordes of happy people who seem to float around the city with rainbow halos hovering above their hip hair. in that sense, the idea of rainbows bother me (especially when people use the term rainbow to describe diverse populations). maybe because rainbows have always implied something cheery and magical. for me, cheery and magical means something suspicious and loathesome. perhaps because i think the path of happiness isn't easy. rather, it's gruff, raw and frank. it's not overproduced or overimagined. it's jarring and painful. it's left open, exposed and utterly beautiful.

raw beauties: nina simone, laura cantrell, miles davis, tom waits, otis redding